The 10 Day Meme: Day Five

Blargh! So, this one's gonna be the post of Epic Fails; if you don't want to know how epically I'm capable of failing, then you probably don't want to read this. This actually is probably the grimiest of the 10 posts, so um... Prepare for angst, low self-esteem, and generally emo-ness. (I guess that's generally the procedure when talking about mistakes, right?)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

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Day Five

Six things you wish you'd never done.

1. Drop out of college.
So, at the beginning of my Senior year of High School, I was all but conquered and defeated by the great Black Beast of Aaaargh. I'd just moved to a new city, and ended up having to switch schools again at the semester (mostly because of the BBoA), and therefore it was pretty much a huge, Huge epic fail. A shrink, a summer, and a few bottles of happy pills later, I was in college, and suddenly the BBoA was the Epic Black Beast of Aaaargh; long story short, I probably left my dorm building once a week and my bed only a few times a day.

It was a massive, massive waste of a grant and a student loan, and basically killed what little self esteem I had left to see myself, a straight-A student in high school, walk out on my dream. I know a lot of people that have dropped out that say it was a bad decision, but I can't even begin to explain the magnitude of an error both my attendance (or rather, lack thereof) and resignation of college was, nor how horribly it effected me. In fact, I almost wish I could put this down as #1-6, because it was that much of an epic fail.

2. Give up music.
I started the piano at 5; viola at 8; voice at 12. For the better part of my life, music was my life. But, in 6th grade I broke my wrist, and from there things went downhill. It never healed properly, so I gave up the viola when I was 16 so I didn't have to deal with the pain; I gave up the piano not long afterwards, once the BBoA took over my life; and I gave up voice when I moved away from home. Every now and then I still twiddle to see if I've still 'got it', but the answer is always "No". If I tried, I could 'ride the bicycle' again, but it'd never make up for the years wasted not improving myself.

Oh, and I should probably mention: I'm afraid of bicycles, too.

3. Move so far from home.
So after 'Epic Fail #1', I moved back home, and it sucked. The BBoA made it impossible to get a job, and being around my insufferable parents and their church was not helping. In a giant leap of courage, I moved from Washington up to Canada to live with my boyfriend. Now we're married, which is good testiment to the fact it was a good decision, but I really wish I hadn't done it so soon. I love my family, and I miss them; I wasn't exactly ready to spread my wings, either. I'm sure things worked out for the best, but there are some days I really wish I didn't have to save up money for two years just to see my sisters for a couple of days.

4. Date during my senior year of high school.
As I mentioned earlier about having to move right before my senior year, that last year of high school was epic failage. It would've been a lot better if the one guy I made friends with wasn't in my pants most of that year. I pretty much relied on him entirely for support and now one of the people I have the most in common with on the face of the planet absolutely hates my guts. Really wish we'd just been friends.

5. Gotten out of touch with old friends.
I have always been pretty awful about keeping in touch, especially because I'm not an overtly social person, but I've had a lot of wonderful friendships that wouldn't have fallen apart if I just had the balls to pick up the phone. I wouldn't be surprised if I've pretty much been labelled a 'serial flake' by my old friends.

Oooh. Serial flake... Cereal flake... Frosted flakes! I'm hungry.

6. Told my ex I still loved him.
A few months before my hubby and I got married, I ended up getting back in contact with one of my old loves, and... Argh. It was just so... fail. Our relationship had never really ended so the amount of loose strings going on was ridiculous, and one thing led to another and I basically turned what, yet again, could've been a good friendship into a giant let-down when I told him I still had feelings and then basically said, "I'm marrying the other guy anyways, sorry." Yeah. I'M A FUCKING RETARD, I KNOW. But it's gotta be bad to make the Top #6, right?--------------------

Anyways. The last 5 are totally gonna be happy. I promise!

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7 Years of Art

In middle school, I picked up my very first sketchbook. It was absolutely terrible; it was the kind where they basically took a stack of computer pages and bound them together under a hard cover, which not only smudged horribly but started to fall apart within a couple of weeks.

But, by the end of junior high I had filled the entire thing cover to cover. There wasn't much of anything good in there--trust me, there wasn't--but the poor thing did have a torn cover, ripped pages, and smudged drawings for a reason! I'd fallen in love with art, even though I never imagined it'd be something I'd ever be good at.

So, below is a bit of a 'chronicle' to look back over my journey through art from when I started high school until now:

2004-2010 Improvement Meme by ~kaleeko on deviantART

(Yes, you have to click it to see it bigger!)

Here's some self portrait comparisons for an even better comparison of how I've progressed even just on one topic:

Ends in 2008, obviously.

The latest cartoon self-portrait I've done, from 2009. (Yes, Jennifer, you can see the two freckles! Hehe!

Course, it's interesting seeing how much I've changed physically on top of my art, but... It's really mostly just haircolor/length, ha! Yeah, I still look 12.

Yet, even a lot about my art hasn't changed. I still haven't learned how to correctly use color and shading, as all my drawings seem to look like I puked up a rainbow regardless of how the environment effects colors... The last four pieces I've done turned out fairly well in that regard, but they still aren't perfect. I have a loonng way to go, and it doesn't even have anything to do with my technical skill at drawing. Just coloring. Gah! I have so much work to do!

Alas, before I start rambling about how bad my art is--which, yes, you may disagree, but I'm no DaVinci yet--I will say that I am proud of what I've accomplished. I really have gone SO far... I mean, if you compare the above image to this:

there's a huge difference, and that's just over the course of 1 year. A year from now, I could be doing something even better...

But not if I keep pansying around like I am now. I did a grand total of 4 drawings last year. Four. All of them were done within 3 weeks of each other, and that was the end of it. It's incredibly disappointing for my progress in art, because if I'd actually spent that year trying to progress, I'd be in a much  better state than I am now.

Why did I stop drawing? Well... As most things in the world: it's complicated. Between battling depression, losing my 'muse' (I quit Mu*ing for good), my Mac dying and taking forever to get my PC set up to do art,  I lost the will to jump back on the horse. When you've got nothing to draw, no reason to draw, and no energy to draw, the floor falls out from under you and you basically even forget it's even an option. And, to myself, I'm sorry that I forgot--art was always one of the few things I always felt proud of, because it's the one skill I had in life that never came to me naturally. I had to work my butt off for it.

So, in a way, you could say that this is my New Years' resolution: belated, but worthy. Somehow, I'm going to stop being a pussy and I'm actually going to draw. I don't care what, or even how many... But I need to do it. Not only is it one of the things that makes me feel truly happy, but it could open up a lot of opportunities that I never imagined. I'll never know unless I try.

If you're curious about seeing more of my artwork and didn't figure out how from the link on the first compilation image, here's a link to my gallery on deviantART. Warning, lots of dragons. (I played on a Pern RPG and lots of people asked me to draw their shit. I didn't mind, but it stunted my variety a bit...)

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My Puppy Dawg

This is a bit of an old picture from Christmas, but I never did get around sharing it anywhere:

As a little backstory: the man in the Santa suit runs my town's Local Dog Rescue, and is actually the man who rescued my dog (Raven) from her abusive home.

The lady (couple?) that used to own Raven was mentally handicapped, and unfortunately it meant that they were very neglectful owners. At the time they owned Raven, they also owned another dog, who they tied to a street corner--where it was stabbed to death. Raven was repeatedly left tied to the doorhandle of their home when they left, as well as probably underfed, locked away, and possibly even abused.

With the help of this couple's social worker, Raven was able to be gotten out of the home, but since then they've acquired several more puppies who are currently being underfed, caged, and are--from the sounds of it--hairless and mangy. Unfortunately, the couple dumped their social worker and there is now little hope getting those dogs out before they suffer permanent damage. It saddens me, but at the same time it makes me happy that Raven was rescued when she was.

Raven is overall an incredibly wonderful dog. She does have some problems, such as incredible separation anxiety, which leads to destructive behavior when we're gone--and even self-destructive behavior when kenneled, as she has proven that she's willing to cut herself up trying to escape a kennel. She's also insanely possessive of both toys and people, and has been known to get fiesty if any dog so much as looks at me cutely.

But, overall I'm not sure where I'd be without her. She's been my companion almost since I first moved here, and has kept me company through the lonely hard times I've had neglecting attempting a social life--and she's my first pet, ever! So I probably adore her more than I've adored anything else I've ever owned.

The look of dooooooooooooom...

Give... me... stick... Mrrrr!!!

So yeah. That's my dog. LOVE HER OR DIE!

... Just kidding. Sort of. >.>

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The 10 Day Meme: Day Four

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

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Day Four

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. "Man, I'm hungry." Seriously. As someone with reactive hypoglycemia (basically the opposite of diabetes), I constantly have to manage what and when I'm putting food into my body, and my body does a good job managing this by making me constantly hungry. Can't say that's a bad thing, except for when we're out of food--I'm only about 115 lbs, so I could stand to gain a little weight.

2. "I really need to clean my house..." I wouldn't say I'm a terribly messy person--I'm just lazy. Things pile up, I procrastinate, and then my house is a mess. I can't stand it, which is why I constantly worry that someone is going to come over to my house and see it and think I'm a slob. I don't even care if I look terrible--if I have a stack of dirty dishes, I swear the universe is going to collapse.

3. "Man, I really freaking suck." I have terrible self esteem. Not much else to say about that. :P

4. "Storystorystorystorystory..."  My mind is in a constant state of narration, whether it's about my life, or about my character's lives. You have no idea what I'd give to be able to record that monologue! I'm constantly thinking about stories to write, characters to create, whether they're in stories I'm writing or about myself.

5. "I wish people would just get along." I feel like half of my day I must spend to reading and listening to people who have some sort of disagreement with each other, and there's really only so much I can take. People have different opinions. Sometimes, they're crappy opinions about you. That sucks, but that doesn't mean reacting poorly to it makes you any less hypocritical! It drives me crazy--I'm ready to live in a world where that sort of drama only exists in stories.

6. "Guild Wars 2 really needs to come out already!" I'm a gamer, and part of being a gamer is, apparently, being extremely irritated with the quality of the games already out, thus obsessed with the ones in the making. GW2 is the first MMO in a long time that really promises to bring everything I could ever possibly want in a game, so I'm pretty stupidly excited about it coming out. In like. A year. Or two. Sigh.

7. "I miss my family." Because, I do. I moved up here to Canada to be with my boyo, Shawn, when I was 18, which is a good time to leave home, but a bad time to get out of range completely of family. I've seen very little of them over the past three years and while I knew that'd be the case, I never realized how lonely it would make me--especially being away from my sisters. I miss them tons.

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The 10 Day Meme: Day Three

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

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Day Three

Eight ways to win your heart.

(Hmmm... I dunno, do I *really* want to put this out there? Too much of a cheat sheet! ;) Except, these things would pretty much work on *any* girl, so... Well, they probably won't seem all that surprising.)

1. Send me love notes. Honestly, I don't care much about 'gifts'. I do love flowers, I do love chocolate, and I do love spontaneously purchased bottles of delicious wine--but none of that compares to even a one-sentence written message.

2. Love my family. My family is probably the most important thing to me in my entire life. They can be very frustrating, but anyone who goes above 'tolerating' them gets a plus in my book. (That extends to lying to them about religious beliefs just to keep them happy.)

3. Care about my interests. I have a lot of passions--I love to write, I love to draw, and I love to make music. I hate when my privacy is invaded, but when I say I wrote something I was proud of, or drew something, or mastered a song on the piano--ask to read/see/hear it!

4. Ask for me to sing. This kind of falls in the above category too, but singing is less on a creative level to me and more on an expressive level. I put years into my voice, years that have basically been wasted because these days, I have no where to sing, no reason TO sing... Having a reason, no matter how small, would mean the world to me.

5. Touch my back. My back's easily the most sensitive part of my body (no idea why), and it deserves a lot of attention that I really can't give it myself.

6. Remember things I tell you. I often mention obscure things I've read or enjoyed or want to do, and it's always a surprise and a heart-toucher when one day someone buys me something related to it or even brings it up in conversation. As someone who has a hard time remembering *anything*, I value what I do/say being remembered.

7. Ask for my advice. I like to think I'm smart and intuitive--it's one thing to say it and quite another to actually be given the opportunity to use those talents, even if it's as small as asking what color shirts looks better on you. I like feeling like I can actually give input that matters!

8. Kiss me out of the blue! Life becomes so boring without spontaneous acts of love, no matter how small or how mundane they may seem.

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The 10 Day Meme: Day Two

Whew; so, this is harder than I thought. The questions are very simple, but the more I think about them, and the more that I read answers that others have written off the same questions, the more I realize that we're all very, very similar--not because we're the same kind of people, but because we're people. Being human really is a 'condition'.

I mean...
We all want to be accepted by someone.
We all have 'two sides' to us; a light and a dark.
We all have reasons to love each other and hate each other.
We all have done something wrong towards someone else.

While part of who we are is a combination of all the traits we have, I think I'm going to try to focus on finding ones that are more unique to just 'me' that I'll talk about--because in the end, it's not really me I'm talking about if it's something obvious; it'll just be me talking about humanity.

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Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

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Day Two

Nine things about yourself.

(Man. This one is going to be hard, especially because it's so vague. But, here's a stab at it!)

1. I am absolutely mortified of getting my driver's license, so I will probably never get one. I'm clumsy, unobservant, and I handle stressful situations poorly; I don't ever want anyone to trust me behind the wheel.

2. My dream career would be to work on String Theory with Brian Greene. Unfortunately, while I'm smart, I'm not that smart--but I still savor all his books with a passion.

3. I am a closeted (I haven't quite 'come out' yet, but I keep thinking about it) member of Nerdfighteria. If you don't know what a Nerdfighter is, you should probably click on this link.

4. If there is only one thing I could eat for the rest of my life, I'm pretty sure it would be chinese fried rice. If I could only drink one beverage, it'd be Arizona Green Tea. I am disgustingly addicted to both.

5. On my left arm, right above the crook of my elbow, there are two freckles about half a centimeter apart from each other. It's one of my favorite things about my body; I like it so much that on most drawings I've done of women, I've put those two freckles on them too.

6. I grind and clench my teeth so hard when I sleep that not only do I wake up with a migraine, most of my dreams involve very brutal methods of ripping out my teeth or jaw. It's safe to say I'm terrified of dentists.

7. I hate Glenn Beck. I hate Glenn Beck so much that if I ever saw him in person, I would probably punch him in the face without hesitation. Few things on this planet would make me happier than to see him with a black eye.

8. I've had an anxiety disorder for about ten years; in elementary school I pulled out most of my hair (including my eyelashes), and to this day still have a lot of nervous, self-destructive habits that I master just to have replaced by new ones. It's very frustrating.

9. I care far, far more about other people than I do about myself. My life sucks a great deal because of it, but I don't think I even really care. I'd rather pour my energy into making other people being happy than actually be happy myself.

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The 10 Day Meme: Day One

I was recently looking at a friend's art blog and caught something really interesting that I thought might be really thought-provoking to do. She used the word 'therapuetic' to describe it, and I have to agree: it's one of those memes that forces you to do a lot of thinking about who you are and your relationships towards other people.

A few years ago, I used to do things like these all the time, but there was only one thing consistent about them: my answers seemed to change. A lot. There's always that period in your life where you're searching for who you are, and finally, in my early 20's, I'm marginally beginning to figure out what that is. I think that's part of the reason I wanted to start this journal blog--as a place to really think about how my ideals have changed over even just the last couple of years. When you're in a state of flux, sometimes it's nice to sit down and consider things that may be concrete to hold onto.

Anyways, here's the questions the meme poses:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot(in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Now knowing me, I probably won't do this in 10 consecutive days, but I'm going to try to tackle it--and try to tackle it as concisely as possible. I have a habit of boring even myself.

Warning: Harsh language not typical of kaleekos following here. 

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Day One 

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. You showed me the light, and I showed you the door. There's no hell I could suffer to even the score between us--but for what it's worth, I never stopped loving you, and I never will.

2. I wish I could say I was sorry for blaming you for everything, but I'm honestly not. You deserve every ounce of hatred I have for you, and I don't think I'll ever forgive you. My life would have been better if I'd never known you.

3. Man, if you weren't such a dirty slut I think we actually could've been pretty good friends. But instead, you break everything you touch, and I'd rather not have my life be in your hall of disgusting conquests. Still--I wish you the best.

4. It wasn't your fault. I was scared and self-centered, and afraid of caring for you because I couldn't take care of myself--and now I've wasted far too much of my life missing you and not doing anything about it. I'm so sorry.

5. There's someone out there for you somewhere, and I'd give anything if I knew how to find them. Please don't give up. Please remember how amazing you are.

6. Stop avoiding her. You love her and she loves you--no one's perfect, especially not you. If you let stupid shit like this separate you from that relationship, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

7. You're such an unbelievably huge prick. There's a reason I cut you out of my life, and the sooner you start realizing what you're doing wrong, the better--too bad I won't help you, because you already did enough to try to screw me over, and now I don't care anymore.

8. You're dangerous for me. I push and I pull because I'm scared, because I know what I'm capable of--it's not because you're a bad person or because I don't want you in my life. I just think I might want you too much, and I know I shouldn't.

9. You have no clue how you affect everyone around you, and it makes me SO mad. You're such a hypocrite and you don't even act like you're trying to change. I love you, and I forgive you for who you are, but you need to take a step back and look at your life before it's too late.

10. I need you. I need you so much it hurts, so much that life without you wouldn't be life at all. I just wish you needed me as much as I need you.

 .

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Here I Be!

I decided it was high-time to re-invest in a corner of the internetz to ramble on. I've had various blogs over the past 5 years, but most have died away from either neglect or utter ineptitude in my ability to hide personal information that inevitably got leaked. Such it is in the age of Google. RIP, privacy.

Still, as someone who practically lives to write, I'm opening up this here blog just as a place for thoughts, ramblings, rants, raves, and other manner of things. I'll probably spout off tangents about my game--as that's where most of you will probably find this blog from--but this blog won't exclusively be about them, so if you care little about the person writing said story you probably won't enjoy reading this very much.

That being said, don't expect much out of this blog. It's more or less going to be an online journal, so I don't take any responsibility for anything I may say or post that you disapprove of or disagree with. Keep an open mind, and keep a smile on.

Cheers!

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